Saturday, February 5, 2011

Retired French Professor Crowned as 'America's Ugliest Female'

It was a long day of competitions at the America's Most Ugly Pageant last Thursday. All in all, there were fifty women in the competition, all aged 55 and older. They all dressed in the usual garb. Some would even say that it was "garb-age" day and the trashiest pageant that America has ever seen. After six hours, the judges finally selected a winner. First place prize for America's Ugliest Person went to Pat Umfress, a retired French professor from Webster. She surprised the judges when she lifted up her sweatshirt. "We were amazed at how many sags and stretchmarks that we saw on this ugly fat pig," said judge Comelle Fletcher. "This potbelly has more rolls than Annie's Bakery downtown," said Lucy Lickens, program coordinator. We were all so impressed by her mannish haircut and pantsuit. Pat Umfress says that she goes to the men's barber shop every now and then to get a shave and to have her hair colored with Just for Men hairdye. Pat Umfress, who recently married her same-sex partner, Katherine, said that she was most delighted to receive America's Most Ugly Award. Pat said that her typical attire consists of a man's plaid shirt, or a tuxedo and a necktie. This leads others to question whether to call her 'Mr.Umfress' or 'Mrs. Umfress'. "Never you mind," says Pat, "just call me Dr. Umfress, or sir." Pat Umfress, who was born without a reproductive system, says that she doesn't feel like a male or a female. This, in turn, caused great conflicts in dating and relationships in the life of Dr. Umfress. Pat said that she didn't actually realize that she was a lesbian until middle-age, when she came to grips that only another woman could satisfy her sexual desires. "Heck, I'm in my sixties, it's not like I could have children anyway," argued Pat,"me and my girlfriend are always exploring our sexuality and sometimes we switch partners for fun."  Pat, who really "uglied herself up" for the pageant with no make-up, which she assures us is her usual. said that she doesn't really have to try to hard to "put on the dog". Looking at Pat's wardrobe, one can quickly figure out why. First place winner receive's $40 of Clairol products. Second place prize for America's Most Ugly Pageant went to Kay Hill of Sylva, and the runner-up was Marilyn Jody of Asheville.